So you are under consideration by a prospective Dom/Domme and you want to go from a lump of coal to a glistening diamond. His/Her consideration is your probationary period in which you in turn prove yourself worthy of His/Her dominance, guidance and time. What about Them, though? The consideration process is also your time to feel Them out and make sure They are worthy of your submission. This is the time where you make sure you are dealing with the real thing and not a narcissistic abuser instead. Below are a list of some steps you can take to to make sure the person you are giving your power to is the right one.
I am not, by any means, an expert on the topic of “Consideration”. The information presented here is purely my opinion based on my experience as well as the experiences of close friends. Just because you take the actions below you are not guaranteed favorable results. Please use common sense when taking on such an endeavor.
Now that we got that out of the way…
Trust Your Gut
If something doesn’t quite seem right then it most likely isn’t. I’m not saying jump to a conclusion, but at the same time don’t sit there and second guess your decision or the situation. If you feel the situation is not kosher feel free to do the next step…
It’s sort of one of the D/s Ten Commandments, Thou shall not question thine Dominant. Fortunately for you They aren’t your Dominant yet. So, question things that don’t seem right or that you are unfamiliar with, especially if They don’t have very much experience. Your question may open up a dialogue, open Their eyes to something They didn’t see or give them ideas for adding to or approving upon things.
Do Your Own Research
Google is there for a reason, use it! Just because They claim to be a “Master” doesn’t mean They are. If you are unfamiliar with terms or what proper protocols there are for certain things, look it up! Also, if you have an active BDSM/Kink community in your area get involved and ask around about certain things you’re unsure of to get feedback. Online forum sites geared towards the lifestyle are also a good place to find the answers you need.
Dominants are not perfect beings, They are fallible. However, there is a difference between a mistake made and abusive actions. Here are some ways to tell if the situation has become abusive:
- Negotiation And Consent
Any physical contact (sex, impact play, etc.) should always be consensual and have been discussed and/or negotiated previously before contact is initiated. Both parties should be in agreement on what is ok and what is not. Abuse is a chaotic situation in which the desires of the dominant partner are imposed on the submissive partner against his/her will.
- Contact With Family And Friends
You have a life outside of that of your D/s relationship. Your Dom/Domme should nurture said relationships with those you love. The Dom/Domme should be invested in the real you both in- and outside of your relationship. If you are being cut off from loved ones this is abuse. You should never be in fear of consequences for contacting with those you love.
Safety is principal in a consensual D/s relationship. In fact, the “safe word” is a central tenet that can be used at any time by the sub when they feel uncomfortable. A partner who neglects to acknowledge the use of a safe word or create one at all and continues to inflict physical and/or emotional pain is abusing you.
- Shame And Self-Esteem
The point of a D/s relationship is for the Dominant partner to utilize the power given to Them by Their sub to help guide, strengthen and build up the submissive in ways the submissive could not do alone. In an abusive relationship, the submissive’s self-esteem is eroded and destroyed over time.
If any of these red flags present themselves and become a pattern cut ties immediately from the dominant partner. Their main purpose should be to build you up not tear you down. So while you are in the D/s limbo of consideration do some considering yourself. It might mean the difference between establishing a healthy D/s relationship or an abusive one.